I’ve worked hard on helping others heal. Between June and Dec, I can’t count the people I’ve read for, done magick for, and just plain made smile. I am excited that I’ve helped you all on this journey, but today I’m realising, there’s more I need to heal within.
This is a deep subject for me. And it takes a deeper strength to heal. Sexual healing is so important. If you have been raped, held against your will, or tormented sexually, you walk life different. I carry weapons everywhere I go. Some memeories, i cant explore just yet and I know it’s unhealthy.. but the pain is too much… The emotions, too much.. the fear, too much.
I wanted to, for so long, keep it all in, all the fears and pain. But it seems, my message may help someone else.
I was kidnapped at 22. I was held for 4 months, being beat and raped and made into a slave. I was tormented and forced to do things that made my mental situation lack anything of substance. I came out of that pregnant and I kept my baby. I had no choice, she would save my soul. I suffered ptsd for so long, even throwing myself out of bed and having to go to the hospital.
As a kid, at 3 I was molested by my mom’s bf, and at 7 in church by two men. I had a boyfriend who would force me, my first be to be exact. And my ex. He was by far the worst.
This 6 foot man, 375 pounds, would sit all his weight on me and rape me with dildos bigger than my arm. He would rape me anally, and he would hurt me emotionally while doing all this. He would say things that, I swore I would never repeat. This went on for about 9 months before I was able to get away.
Sexual healing is important. Sex is used to express our souls through connection with another, it’s magick, it’s beautiful. It’s used to manifest, and to create. It’s life when done with Intentions of great things.
After going through a life like this, I found myself extremely sexual. I wanted it all the time, night and day… I had been programmed.. for rape and forceful things. I had to heal that first.. and I’ve done just that. Fantasies related to what you have been through is normal. Your body gets used to what’s happening to it. Hormones are real. It’s ok to have thoughts you probably don’t like alot ..
Now comes the hard part.. feeling those fears, and those emotions that come up when I have certain thoughts of the nearest past. The fear, is truly what grips me. It makes me never want to be touched again. It makes me jump at the thought and it gives me anxiety.
But, I cannot let my sexual side stay hurt and suppressed. I cannot embrace all of me, if my sexuality is broken. I am my sexuality at its rawest form… I am my soul.. and it encompasses my sexuality. As are you. The universe is all.. good, bad, and ugly. If you wish to claim all your power, you must first heal all of you.
You wonder why you, what made you so different, what made them do you this way.. and it’s hard to imagine any good in humanity … This is something that’s rapid around the world.. and it’s needs to be healed in so many. I hope my words bring someone some hope …