As a little child my mom would leave me randomly for long periods of time, often with people I was not comfortable around. I remember when I was 5 spending the summer cleaning someone else’s home while my mom was idk where.
These spurts of abandonment effected me very deeply as a small kid. I would have nightmares about my mother often, and they would repeat. I would be looking for her, and looking and looking and sometimes I would find her. Once she was in a shack in the woods, and tried to cut off my fingers. This dream began when I was 3 maybe….
The last time I remember being away from my mother was that summer. Previous to that I had spent 10 months with my grandma in another town and a few months with my father before that. 3 and 4 years old I was being rejected by my mother. Pawned off and left to wonder why? Was I not good enough? Did she not love me? What did I do to deserve that?
Those times are dark and mysterious, and I’m thankful I can’t remember them all. Today, I pray my kid never has to feel that way about me. I pray she knows deep down that I will do anything to keep her by my side.
These nightmares I have about losing my kid, they are directly related to my mother and these childhood memories.
I know now that my mother was hurt, bad and addicted to her lifestyle in order to survive through her own trauma. My heart forgives her but why can’t I get past the nightmares? In my dreams now it’s me losing my kid. Not me leaving my kid. Or abandoning her. It’s a fear of not having her with me. Because I wasn’t with my mom, but it seems I’m logical enough that this shouldn’t hurt me anymore. My inner child needs so much love today.
I need so much love today.
I send infinite amounts of reiki and love and light to every version of me in the infinite now. I send the angels to protect me through whatever I may be going through; past present or future. I love you Tiffany.