Lately it’s been bad…

I’m sitting here, high on pain meds when I hate the things.

Two weeks ago I found out I was pregnant. I was excited, and beyond myself with love for the universe. I had a miscarriage in May of 2018, and I had visions of my son. I was shown by the divine that I would have a beautiful baby boy, and he would be happy and healthy. Things weren’t what they seemed.

I started bleeding soon after and the dr appointments began soon after that. It wasn’t normal and they couldn’t find the baby. I had several vagina ultrasounds before they decided it was tubal.

The danger of a tubal pregnancy: as the baby grows, the tube will burst, leaving the mother to bleed out and experience terrible pain. It’s very deadly.

I was offered two options to terminate my pregnancy, methotrexate or have it surgically removed.

Me and methotrexate go back years, to 24 and psoriasis. I refused it then, and I refused it this time. The surgery would be 3 incisions. One on each side of my belly, and in my belly button. I would go under anesthesia, something I had never done.

My emotions were all over, and it was hard for me to function. The babies father wasn’t much help, no one could console me. I was numb and eventually no more tears could come. My second baby lost, my second baby that I never got to hold. My heart broke for me, for my daughter; for the tiny love that didn’t make it, for all the mothers who had ever gone through this. My heart is still breaking.

It’s been 2 days since my surgery and I’m having good moments and bad. My body hurts, and I’m exhausted. But I have found hope and faith in the coming blessings.

I am well aware that everything happens for a reason, and I’m certain this is no different. I can ponder the idea; what if my baby had been born with a genetic defect; or what if something else bad could have happened and this is really a blessing in disguise.

I know my love; my heart; and my soul. I know that this was not to punish me, or hurt me. This happened so that something better could happen, for me or another.

I will smile, and be grateful for all that I do have, and for my beautiful daughter. I will smile and know, that I am loved, and I have loved. I will smile, and I will praise very mother I come across.

We are warriors. Walking miracles. Portals from the spirit world, to the physical. We are magick, we are grace. I love each of you, my sisters. And I honour you fathers as well.

The pain is bad for you, I know this too. It’s not just the mother that loses the baby, the fathers hearts break just the same. ❤️

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