Painful memories

These last few days are bringing up the worst of the worst traumatic memories for me. And also some bad triggers. I find I’m still extremely terrified of certain things- and the defense acts out as anger. I’m not ok energetically right now.

When I was 22 I drove my car a few towns over- to a house of stranger. I was giving this guy I had known about a week or two, a ride to his cousins house. We were trying to know each other. I thought he was a great guy. His demeanor was that of a computer geek with glasses and all.

He asked for a ride to his cousins house and so I took him. When I got there, my car totally broke down. At this time in my life I was acting in rebellion against everything I had been raised to believe. So my mom and family weren’t going to be there to help me- this is where my mind went.

The guy hit me the first time that same day. He slapped me 4 times across the face and stomped so hard on my right foot that it still is tender when it’s touched. That was 12 years ago. Everyday after became a living nightmare. I would be raped, beat, and terrorized daily for 4 months. He humiliated me, made me do sexual things with another females, burned me with a cigarette once, made me do everything for him- I was his slave.

The most prominent memories in my mind are of being choked up on the wall, feet swinging while seeing the devil in his eyes. He beat me so bad one time I was black and blue and purple for a month or more. He beat me after I found out I was pregnant, more than just a few times. This was a daily occurrence.

I woke up with a knife to my neck one night, because he dreamed I killed him.

One time he told me I could leave- and I went running to the neighbors house and he let me get half way through the yard before he chased me down and snatched me by my hair and drug me back into the house.

He let me call my mom once, and tell her what was going on. She sent a bus ticket for me to go to Louisiana with her. He was letting me leave then. I just knew it. When we got to the bus station he had me ask for the money for the ticket. When they wouldn’t give me the money- he wouldn’t let me leave.

This man would kill me. I knew it.

I drove to the house I was held captive in for 4 months. I willing went to this place. And then I wasn’t allowed to leave. He made his mother believe I was his girlfriend. He made his family believe I was his girlfriend. If I said anything other than that- I would be beat. Or worse. His mom and sister tried to warn me about him but there was nothing they could tell me. His mom even tried to get me an apartment at one period and told me he wouldn’t be allowed there. She couldn’t help me. No one could.

Tax season came. He had extra funds. He wanted to go to Panama City to Club la Vela with his friends. He took me with him to PC but left me at the hotel. While he and his friends were gone I hesitated to leave. I was home. This was my home town. My mom knew everyone here. I could get help. I knew it. But my mentally abused mind thought he might love me. I had never had love. Not from any one growing up, not that I actually remembered. It took him coming back with another female- for me to leave. He sent me to Walmart in the car. And I went the opposite direction. He really had me brainwashed so much that I pondered staying in the most nightmarish hellhole. No one deserves what I went through.

I’m working on healing this still. 4 months out of my life I was terrorized, beaten, and bruised. The crazy part? This is but one small piece to my story. Bare with me today as I pour these memories on the frontline for healing. Please send your healing to these memories. I deserve healing. ❤️🙏

  • I gave Birth to my daughter on my bday that year.

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