I’m editing my site, I find my journey is blank. This is perfect, as life has been a beautiful work of art. I shall decorate this page with All that is Me, and my Magick on this path. It’s so fitting that the last full moon opened a “Pandora’s box” of emotions for me, regarding my childhood and things I don’t even remember.
Soon, my soul would remember. I found out I was pregnant at the hands of fierce nightmares, and two days later I dreamed I lost the baby. I began bleeding, and went back and forth the dr until finally and tubal pregnancy was confirmed. This is where the baby gets caught in the tubes, instead of planting itself in the uterus. I opted for surgery. I figured this was so much better then the other option.
The timing was impeccable, my pregnancy and the inner child work that would come matched up perfectly. I found out my mom left me, for weeks and months at a time as a tiny baby, and small kid. I found out she had my sister and me in very bad, dark, scary situations at very young ages. These things I went through, reverberated all through my life. My social skills were effected, my moving patterns as an adult, my instability. It was all from so so long ago.
I’m very understanding with myself now, even more loving because what that baby went through wasn’t fair. I will love my inner child for ever, until she’s ready to be healed. I see now, my healing wasn’t complete and it wasn’t time for me to have another baby.
Losing what I thought would be my son, has turned into power and healing for me on so many more levels. The pain is there, and no it’s not fair, but this life rarely is. I will happily try again in the future and see what my outcome will be. A healed mother is the best kind of mother anyone could ask for.